So, to update from my post yesterday, I was going crazy with all the what ifs, and so I knew I just had to take action... I'd been thinking for weeks and weeks, and it was getting worse, not better. So I sat at my keyboard and I typed out emails to each of the PIs that offered me an interview. I told them I was sorry for causing any inconveniences, that I had postponed my interviews earlier because my doctor had asked me not to travel until a safer point in pregnancy, and that now that it was becoming clear this little person was pretty darn likely to show up in November I was really not in a position to make decisions about big moves and new jobs. So I told them I decided to stay put for now, cancel the current interviews and re-apply for postdoc positions next spring. I heard back from 2 of them so far, both invited me to let them know if I wanted to re-apply whenever I was ready.
I'm still alternating between feeling like a huge disappointment to myself, my PI, and my colleagues, and feeling relieved that now I can just shift my focus to the work I have at hand in the lab, and staying healthy and reducing my stress level. Husband found a promising job ad to apply to and has spent the last few days re-vamping his CV and putting together all the other paperwork they're asking for. Let's see how that turns out.
I wrote a long time ago that I was reading the books Mama, PhD and Motherhood: the Elephant in the Lab and that I would post reviews when I was done. I finished the books ages ago, but haven't been able to gather my thoughts enough to write a review. Maybe I'll still get to that. But for now, let's just say, when I first read the books, I was so disappointed. So disappointed for the women who couldn't have it all, who made major sacrifices, either in their career or in the way they raised their families to try to just do the best they could... and now I feel like I know a bit how hard those decisions must have been and how complex. And I have new-found respect for those brave enough to contribute their stories.