....was a big part of why I re-started blogging. So, here goes.
I haven't done anything productive for a job hunt since my last blog post.
I unpacked 1.5 boxes, together with husband during the entire weekend (that's not nearly enough).
I met a new scienc-ey contact over the weekend, who seems to me, to be THE very definition of professional career woman (academic) scientist mother. Four years into a Tenure-Track position, married to another TT scientist, with a house and 2 kids... Finally, someone to look up to, to show me that you CAN have it all. And it left me feeling like a huge failure. Not only am I not like her, I don't want to be. And that's hard to wrap my head around. She COULDN'T WAIT to get back to her job after baby #2 was born 10 months ago. She gets so BORED at home, she needs MORE in her life than just that. She has more IMPORTANT things to do with her time. She would never subscribe to the equivalent of NewCountry's Martha Stewart Magazine (It was one of my favorite Christmas gifts) or waste her time reading grocery store newsletters for new recipes. She knows what she wants, she goes after it, at work and at home. Me, I thought I knew. I thought I was a "professional career woman (academic) scientist mother" but I want MORE than that. I WANT to spend my time making a home for my family. I ENJOY domestic-ey things like sewing and baking. I get all excited inside when my new magazine appears in my mailbox. And if it's at the expense of my career, well, I'm not happy about it, but there's only 100% of me. I can't be 200% of a person. I guess in order to make room for the non-science-y things that make me smile inside, the % of my time devoted to science-y things has to go down. I wish that didn't make me feel like a failure with no ambition, no life goals, nothing important to talk about. And, in walks more demotivation... It's a slump, a rough spot. I'll get over it. Writing helps. How do I learn to accept the "real" me and stop idolizing the ideal I've been holding up for so long?