Back, and feeling stuck (or musings on the two body problem)

So, I've made it back to PhDCity, at least in body if not in mind. Jetlag is still a challenge, despite great efforts of blood stream caffeine level boosting. In reading ScienceWoman's post on starting over on the new year's efforts, I got thinking about mine and how I'm doing. I've managed to cross a few things from the list, but those nagging ones just won't quit. I still haven't managed to hand over those reagents, and the situation is getting desperate. Why can't I just. let. go.?! I feel like I'm on the cusp of breaking free from this place and yet it still seems so far away... case in point, my applications. Now, deciding on the future is not to be taken too lightly. But I'm afraid that I've managed to think myself into non-activity on the matter. Sure, I got that job interview offer (more on that to come), but I haven't sent the other applications yet. I made small progress today in writing to MScSupervisor to touch base and check if MSS would be willing to serve as a reference for my applications (no response yet). I also spoke to SupportiveCommitteeMember who agreed to be a reference and took the time for a nice chat on the subject. SCM isn't from PhDCity and understands my desire to return to more familiar places and ways of life, but also encouraged me not to sell myself short and perhaps broaden my acceptable application locations. Which means more thinking, and more consideration, more list making and another delay for the applications. But there's a whole other important factor in my decisions for the impending move... Husband. Husband is a talented, one career step ahead of me research scientist. And it's a crap-a$$ time to be on the job market. Of the many applications submitted, a substantial number of target institutions are currently facing a hiring freeze. Whether this is a major factor, or there are others in play, we probably won't know. But the fact remains that he had offers for 2 interviews. The first didn't result in a job offer. The second is this week. What happens if this one works out? What happens if it doesn't? This two body problem is majorly stressing me out. Do I apply for the places *I* want to go? Do I at least consider whether this would be feasible for Husband? (Keep in mind, in at least some cases, Husband would have to find a job that would sponsor a working visa. He could live where I have a work visa, but couldn't work). In an ideal world, he would find a faculty position (or some job that makes him happy) and I would find a kickass postdoc position (or some other job that makes me happy) and it would be in an environment where we could be life-happy (which may or may not include a set of criteria like proximity to family/friends, language, political climate). But I think it's going to be a case of someone compromises and follows the other person. I don't *want* to be a trailing spouse, but I also have a major guilt complex about forcing Husband to be one. Can I just skip over the next few months so I can know what the future holds? Cause right now, the situation just makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hibernate till Spring...

Scenes from back home...

It's night time, but not dark. I've always loved the pink glow of a winter snowy sky. Mom and I are outside chipping away at the snow that's been falling for hours.... fluffy and white, it sparkles as it's thrown in the air, building the snow banks higher. SNOW! We come inside with rosy cheeks and drink another cup of tea...

... my little niece runs around the corner... "I hiding Auntie Jenn, come find me!" she says. "Where are you little one?" I ask. "I hiding behind the chair! Come find me!" :)

..."read to me Auntie Jenn, again!" We turn back to the front cover and she snuggles up closer...

Curled up in the chair in her room with her daddy, just out of the bath and in cozy pyjamas, I see my brother as a father and marvel again. "Auntie Jenn! Auntie Jenn!" she jumps up into the chair with her 3rd bedtime story for the night. "I love you Auntie Jenn!". The sweetest sound.

"This is our granddaughter, Jennifer" my grandmother proclaims when we meet her friends in the lounge. My grandfather points out another of his paintings hung on the corridor wall in their Senior's apartment building. Familiar faces, warm and open laughter, my grandfather's "Yes dear" and wink.

Home.

What would you do?

So, I have a dilemma. It's not really such a bad one to have. I got (an unsolicited) job interview offer today. From someone big and famous, in a somewhat related field to my PhD work. It's even close to husband's family. AND well funded (really well funded). The project sounds potentially interesting. I would learn a lot at least. And the PI was even nice and easy to talk to! Perfect no?

BUT, I had kind of decided that I wanted nothing more to do with my current work and wanted to switch to something not even remotely related to it or to the project on offer. I wanted to learn a new model system, and tackle more applied questions. The PI invited me to come and give a seminar and meet with the people currently working on aspects of the project. So, I said "Sure! That would be great." (I'm not crazy enough to turn down something that could be great on the spot without thinking about it!) The PI had to leave the meeting today, but told me to expect an email with details for the invited seminar soon. I'm not 100% fixed on exactly what I want to do for my postdoc, but I'm not sure I really would take the job (but it might be cool)... is it wrong to waste the group's time/money to visit if I'm not sure?

Validation

I'm far far away from the lab, at a fantastic and inspiring conference. I gave my talk and poster presentations already and both were a huge success! I shook the whole time of the talk, but thankfully there was a nice tall podium (I'm slightly vertically challenged) that hid me basically from the neck down so I don't think the others could tell! I had no idea how HUGE the room would seem from the podium. I also had no idea how great it would feel to actually hear people tell you that they loved your talk and think your work is really exciting. I'm so flattered. I've even had PIs offer me postdoc jobs! What a contrast from my home institute where nothing is ever good enough and others are always held up as soooo much better than you and told that no one will hire you until you get another (fill in here... result, award, talk, paper...). It makes me feel like it IS actually all worth it. That other people are actually interested in my work too. It's been a great experience. I'm glad there are still a few more days of talks to go... speaking of which, the next session starts soon....
Blogging will still be scarce for the next week or two, since I'm headed home after the conference for a visit with the fam.

Busy!

So, still no word on the final manuscript decision... It's been a week, I have no idea how long it should take! In the mean time I've had lots of distractions to keep me busy. There's bench work for the new project (which I'm finally making time for - it feels good to be "back"), seminars are back at pretty regular intervals after the Christmas lull, and I'm leaving on Friday for a conference, where I'll give my first truly public talk (outside my research institute) about my PhD work. It's helpful to know that the data is *so close* to being accepted for publication, so I'm not worried about criticism, but I AM worried about fitting everything in within the time allowed for the talk.... I met with my PI this morning to go over the slides, and every time I tried to cut down the amount of data or things to say, he added 2 more images/sentences/points. It's soooo going to be too long. I have a practice talk with the rest of the group soon, but before then I need to get my slides to 1 minute each (I'm sticking to the 1 slide per minute estimate, and hoping I can manage that without losing half the audience). Wish me luck!

On manuscript submission....

It's getting late, into the double digits of the pm (and I'm not using a 24 hour clock!). Dinner tonight consisted of a chocolate-banana flavored granola bar and a coffee from the vending machine. Healthy?! Not exactly. The reason I'm here is the manuscript submission process. I have decided that Murphy's Laws apply more and more strongly the later it gets and the more hungry the scientist becomes....

It started this morning with that oh so long anticipated email in my inbox.... "After careful consideration and consulting with our referees we are pleased to offer...." Publication! Success! Hooray! Finally, 4 years of work in print, finished! But, wait... there's just that small matter of forms, signatures, scans, document conversion, CMYK vs RGB.... and suddenly something you think will take a few hours maximum has you sitting at a computer late into the night, eyes glazed over just wanting it all to be finished!

So, with that, dear internets, I'll return to check the upload status and conversion progress one more time... So close... and yet so far! Sleep will be sweet tonight....

...if I ever get there...

That's so cool (but I wouldn't want to do it....)

First, a quick accountability note: I spent a solid 4-5 hours yesterday on the reagents. They're almost in shape to hand over. I would have spent more time, but yesterday I attended two great seminars, which brings me to today's post...

Our institute has a regular seminar series Thursday afternoons that brings international scientists to campus to tell us all about the latest greatest things they are working on. It's usually quite impressive, but more often than not the invited scientists work in fields related to those already present on campus. I'm sure it works the same in many places.... PIs tend to invite their friends and responds to invites from people they know. It makes sense. But still, every once in a while it's nice to get beyond the same topics and hear something completely new. So, a new seminar series started specifically to bring highly influential speakers from other scientific fields. Yesterday was the first of those lectures for 2009, and the topic was pretty distant.... a kind of molecular anthropology lecture. And the hall was PACKED. We were treated to a sweeping view of the field, from the methodology, to quality control, to large scale data set generation and bioinformatic analysis, to specific experimental models. It was fascinating. It was so cool. But I left the lecture hall with the unshakable knowledge that I wouldn't want to work on it myself.

I find this happens to me a lot. Some of the problems or questions that I find the most interesting in science just can't get me to the bench like others. I guess that's a good thing in that it confirms the fields I actually AM working on (or would like to enter for my next "real" postdcoc) are a better match for me. But if I sit down with a cup of coffee to read a journal or have to select which of the many seminars I can fit into my day, I'll nearly always pick something outside my field. I always feel like this can't be a healthy (or sustainable!) practice (but might actually be good practice if I eventually have a career in something like professional journal editing).